I would first like to thank, again, those who have been concerned about my and HWMBO’s welfare. We are fine. First, an update on Nicky’s situation, then an observation.
Yesterday I stayed home to work and talked with Nicky. He continues to whine a lot, but when discussing the homeless situation I convinced him to speak with his aunt, who lives near Manchester and is retired. He called her and she’s happy to let him come up there to live. So, in the space of five minutes, the homeless problem becomes a logistical problem. I’ve just spoken to S., who is agreeable to Nicky’s dropping by Friday evening to pack a bag. I anticipate getting him on a train to Manchester on Saturday. He may return a few times for the rest of his stuff, but basically he’ll be up there for a while.
The job situation does not admit of such radical solutions. In a way, going up there will be a minus, as he’ll have to get himself psyched up to get a job and, as he’ll be living in the sticks, commuting will suddenly become an issue.
He didn’t eat much all day, but in the evening we went out alone to The Well, since HWMBO came home with a migraine and needed to rest in a darkened room. We had an order for his dinner (Well special Japanese noodles), so we went off there. Nicky was still quite whiny, given to asking questions at random (“Do you think that S. hates me?”) that were somewhat silly and inappropriate, but I coped. I do think that S. dislikes Nicky a lot, but after the drama Nicky put him through for the past year or so I totally understand and sympathise. Everything I hear and see makes me even more grateful that HWMBO and I, improbable spouses, have endured for nearly 9 years now.
I had some pork dumplings (6 on the menu, but we are always provided with 7 courtesy of Vincent), half of which Nicky scoffed along with an egg-drop soup. He had some sort of noodly dish which I can’t recall, and I had Chicken with Cashew Nuts on crispy noodles, hold the salt and MSG.
I have to say that this particular dish was absolutely the best I have ever had there. The taste of the vegetables, the mushrooms, and the chicken was absolutely first-rate and fresh, not spoiled by an excess of salt, which now burns my mouth. And, I am happy to have been able to tell Vincent so in person. What a great chef he is!
However, their credit card terminal is still not working. The maintenance company cocked up, and he hasn’t had a functioning terminal for a couple of weeks. I only had a fiver and some change in my pocket, and was quite embarrassed. He told me that I could pay next time, but I still said that I would be right back, so after some “after you, my dear Alphonse” to-ing-and-fro-ing I left with Nicky and HSMBO’s dinner in a box. I unfortunately forgot my bag with my mobile phone in it, but remembered it after entering the shopping center. I went to the cash machine there, got some cash, and returned to The Well and paid, and left a 15% tip to boot. With my bag in tow, I went to the supermarket then home.
Now, the observation. I am very aware that stress is a bad thing for me and everyone else. I am doing my best (and, I think, moderately succeeding) in dealing with Nicky and his situation with a mixture of calm serenity and concern, larded with practicality. I am not taking sides, I am not trying to deal with matters (like his health, mental and physical) with which I am unqualified to deal, I am pushing him toward a successful conclusion to the interlude and am not taking “No!” for an answer, but just pressing on. He is cooperating, as much as perhaps he would not wish to.
I think that, while I am concerned about Nicky, I am not stressed about the situation. I can see the conclusion, I am driving toward it, I have a strategy to deal with it, and I am not being deflected by Nicky’s whining. He wants to have a Pity Party, and I’m not RSVPing.
I am also aware that some of my serenity could be produced by the beta-blocker which I’m taking. This medication, among other things, slows down the heart rate and makes me (anyway) just a bit logy. Thus, I am more calm and collected than I might otherwise be. Actors and public speakers often take this medication (some illicitly) before a performance in order to combat stage-fright. I’m sure it’s very effective.
So I am aware that stress can have an effect on my blood sugar. Oddly enough, I am not angry, nor am I suppressing anger. I am channelling any anger I might have into planning for the future. This has been, so far, remarkably effective. Hooray!
This morning I called S. and made arrangements for Nicky and I to drop by Friday evening and pack a suitcase with those things he needs right away. I shall be there to keep everyone focussed, and hopefully Saturday Nicky will be in Manchester starting all over again. Thoughts and prayers, as appropriate, for the successful conclusion of this saga would be appreciated.
Glad to hear that his aunt is willing to take him in. Hope he gets his life sorted out, and is grateful that you were there for him.
Nicky wanted to talk today. Over the course of the conversation, one thing became apparent to me. Nicky is in a holding pattern. He knows he can’t go back, but he still has an attachment to S. because of his belongings being there. I think it would be healthiest if he were able to get all his stuff out at the soonest possible opportunity. As long as any of his stuff remains, so does a dependency on Nicky. And as long as that exists, however tenuous, I don’t feel he’ll be able to move on.
For both their sakes, Nicky and S. need a clean break from one another, to help them both heal. As long as Nicky’s stuff stays at S.’s, everytime one contacts the other about retrieving what’s left it will be like tearing off the scab.
I know that for me, last year, the hardest thing was being stuck in that limbo, where I couldn’t work through my feelings with Katie but wasn’t allowed a clean break either. That, I know, ultimately made things worse for her, too. So, for both their sakes, if logistics allow, perhaps Nicky could get all his things out at once and put them in storage until he knows what to do with them.