I guess it was natural that it was a Monday. The day itself wasn’t too bad; the usual worklessness at work, then home. At a little after 5 pm the landline rang. No one spoke when I answered. I hung up. Then my mobile phone rang. I answered that, and it was my friend Nicky.
Now I’ve known Nicky for about 9 years. Nicky is Singaporean, gay, a graphic designer in Singapore. He moved here and became attached to S. They have been together for 6 or 7 years now. They live in Islington, in a very nice flat, and have a dog. Very ordinary couple. Nicky finally got his indefinite leave to remain last year, after much difficulty. HWMBO and I go out to lunch with them occasionally, and I would consider them friends, but not bosom buddies, of ours.
Nicky and S split up a few months ago, and Nicky asked whether he could stay with us for a while. S, however, allowed Nicky to stay with him while he got a job and another place to stay. So we hadn’t heard anything for a while.
Nicky sounded a bit out of it, and he said he needed to come over and stay the night, that S was throwing him out. I said fine, we’d put another chicken Kiev in the oven.
When he got here, he was totally disoriented. He sat down and told me that he tried to commit suicide this morning. He had taken some ketamine and some sleeping pills. (I later discovered that neither of these would kill you in the normal course of events).
Well, this made me very sad, upset, and worried. I’m worried because I have two large bottles of paracetamol (Tylenol) tablets, a large bottle of aspirin, lots of knives, and various types of bathroom chemicals around. As none of us are suicidal, thank God, the house is not suicide-proofed. I took away the paracetamol and aspirin and hid it, also the bathroom chemicals upstairs.
There are other circumstances around this that I can’t talk about, but suffice it to say that I calmed him down, made him dinner, and went to S’s flat to get some stuff that Nicky needed, and heard S’s side of the story. Won’t take sides, but have great sympathy for both.
Nicky is having a pity party right at the moment, and is talking nonsense (or as Singaporeans say, “talking cock”) such as “I don’t know if I’ll get up tomorrow.” He just asked for paracetamol; I gave him one capsule and watched him take it.
Tomorrow in the midst of everything else, I’m going to get him to a social services agency that can help him with his homelessness, his medical needs, and the like. This is in between working, going to a meeting of the Audit Committee of the Diocese, and trying to stay sane myself as well as support HWMBO, as this will affect him as well. He is so compassionate that I’m sure he’ll be OK, but we need to be mutually supportive as well as supportive of Nicky without making him dependent.
Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated–thoughts if you are not religious and prayers if you are.
What a nightmare! I suggest you refer your friend to Samaritans. (Make it a pre-condition of his staying?) They are trained to deal with people who are going through such a difficult patch. Do you really have enough emotional strength to support such a fraught situation? I hope the situation resolves well.
There is a specialised agency I have in mind, which I’d rather not identify, but that can deal with all of his various needs. Samaritans are another choice if the first agency falls through.
Thanks for your good wishes.
Prayers launching now, high speed and heavy duty.
:::thoughts:::
My thoughts and prayers are with all 3 of you
You had a heart attack about a year ago. You also have someone who loves you who doesn’t want you to have another heart attack. I don’t want you to have another heart attack because I want to meet you in London some day.
I don’t think this should be your responsibility if the man has any other friends at all. If he says you are his only friends, that’s a sign of much longer term problems if true and manipulation if it isn’t.
You’re not responsible for doing more than you can emotionally afford to do.
I don’t know about UK involuntary committment laws, but in the US, suicide attempts will be considered reason enough.
Someone mentioned the Samaritans — I’ve noted someone else mentioning them in connection with serious depression in the UK and that does sound like a good idea. They’d be able to deal with the legal aspects of committment in the UK if it comes to that. Your mental health people would be able to help him sort out his other problems.
Your own health comes first. Really, really, really.
A few years ago, I was in email/instant message contact with with a priest I’ll call Don, who was closeted, gay, and in a part of the country that was pretty hostile to homos. I had never been in the same room as him at this point.
One morning, he was in pretty bad shape, and threatening suicide. after a few exchanges back and forth, he went silent. I phoned my parish priest, wondering what the heck to do.
She had good advice and I ended up contacting other clergy in the remote diocese who had better opportunity to act. However, the first thing Ansley said, after I’d told my tale, was of care for me, the person actually presenting to her.
“Chris, the first thing I need to say to you, right now, is that whatever happens, you need to remember that it’s not your fault. Don is clearly in a bad way, but he is an adult, and you are quite peripheral to his story. Certainly you want to help as you can, but whatever happens in his life is not your fault.”
In the event, Don is still with us, though still a damaged individual. That morning he had taken offence to something I had said and stopped responding. I did get help to him (in the form of an archdeacon, a seminary friend of mine) at the time.
but the message I would want to send today in 2007 is the same as the one Ansley told me on the phone when I first called her.
And as others have posted, you take care of yourself first, as well as doing what you can for your friend presently in distress.