Chris Hansen’s blog

The famous London black cab driver is an icon of London. Black cabs are ubiquitous (except when you want one), and are often referred to as “London Cabbies”.

Well, in homage to , who has the New York franchise, I bring you London Stabbie, the person who is always on the lookout for fuckwits in London who do not deserve to contribute further to the gene pool because of obvious stupidity or sheer inattention to their fellow Londoners.

There is a gentleman who works for the local supermarket (whose name shall remain nameless but it begins with “T” and ends with “esco”). He is quite overweight, but that’s not what bothers Stabbie. What really effing bothers Stabbie is that he sneezes with great force and loudness, but without benefit of covering his mouth. His target is the groceries that Stabbie and dozens of others unsuspectingly buy. London Stabbie has been startled out of his wits in aisle 4 when this staff member sneezes in aisle 1, right next to the produce. Stabbie believes that the last two infections he got can be traced to the lettuces on which this guy sneezed. Gentleman Sneezer, London Stabbie will be after you first. Stabbie promises not to get any blood on the broccoli, however.

Second was the gentleman in the till queue 2 people ahead of Stabbie today. He had coupons, which is of course OK. However, one of the coupons did not register at the till. No matter how many times the cashier swiped it across the scanner, it refused to register. The cashier told the man to go to Customer Service (Stabbie might be after them next, who knows, but in this case they would have been lifesavers) but, no! Gentleman, you stood there and argued with the cashier that he ought to give you your lousy 30 pence whether or not the coupon scanned. At that point, your transaction was completed and you paid the cashier. Then, you looked at your receipt and discovered that the poor cashier, whom you had previously hectored to within an inch of his life, had neglected to add your two green points for using your own bags. With the queue at the till steadily growing, you began to argue with the cashier that he should add the points right away. (Note for the non-Brit: these green points totalled exactly