As many of you know, I am a Freemason. Last night we had a meeting at which we passed a brother to the second degree (details not important to this journal entry).
After each meeting we have dinner, which is accompanied by toasts. There is traditionally a toast to guests (if any), and we had three guests last night. The brother who gave the toast ended with a joke that was homophobic.
I am out to most of the lodge, but not all–mainly because, like straight men, I don’t need to advertise my sexuality to all and sundry nor do I want people to assume one thing or another. I just don’t mention it unless it comes up in conversation.
At the last meeting, another brother made a homophobic remark in my presence, which made me quite annoyed. So there is an institutional problem.
My dilemma is: what to do?
I don’t want to make a public statement to everyone declaring my sexuality. For one thing, as additional brothers join, I’d have to do it all over again and I don’t want to have to come out every time someone is initiated: “Hi, Brother So-and-So, I’m Brother Chris, the gay Freemason.” And, of course, it’s not practical to come out to each guest every meeting: that would just be silly.
On the other hand, I’m tired of having to sit at a dinner and listen to someone tell homophobic jokes or make homophobic remarks.
Here’s the joke, by the way, just for your “delectation”:
A man came into a bar carrying a small alligator under his arm. He said to the bartender: “I’ll bet you a drink that I can put my manhood in this alligator’s mouth and he won’t harm it.” The bartender said, “Sure, go ahead.” The man took out his willy, put it in the alligator’s mouth, and its jaws closed very very gently onto it. The man took a beer bottle and hit the alligator on the head, at which it slowly opened its mouth and released the man’s willy. The bartender said, “Wow! That’s something! What’ll you drink?”
The man repeated this several times, putting his willy in the alligator’s mouth, then hitting the alligator’s head with a beer bottle to make him release it. He won some free liquor out of it. As the evening was drawing on, a gay man in the bar came over and said to the alligator’s proud owner: “Can I try that?” The man said, “Sure.” The gay man said, “Please, promise me you won’t hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
My inclination is to email some of the past masters who are aware of my sexuality and ask their advice on how best to handle this. The man who told the joke is the Worshipful Master’s brother-in-law (on top of everything else). I do hope that I can come to some way to keep on the square and on the level, and ensure that humour at Lodge dinners is funny but not hurtful.
By the way, as most dinners are stag, the opportunity for misogynistic jokes always presents itself, and I’d be unhappy about those as well.
I’ll keep everyone posted on this one.
Update: See the following entry for the resolution to the dilemma, happily.
I was going to suggest the obvious, that when someone tells an offensive joke, you object to it, regardless of the reason for the offense. One doesn’t have to be a woman to take offense at misogyny, nor gay at homophobia, etc.
One problem with this joke is that it is hardly offensive; it portrays gay men as liking to suck cock. Not the best of light, to be identified just by a sex act, but not tremendously offensive (at least, I am not as offended by it as I would be by other jokes). This makes it a lot harder to object on general grounds.
I’ll look forward to reading about what you come up with.
Mrrr. This is a tough one for me, because I myself have made more offensive jokes than that. (Then again, I’m enough of a pomo homo to be okay with gay people joking about being gay, black people joking about being black, etc. See icon.) Then again, I actually left an all-male university society (the second person ever to resign) because I couldn’t deal with the misogyny, laddishness and queer jokes. So…don’t take my advice without a pinch of salt and a healthy dash of MSG. *grin*
I definitely think that you’re right to get in touch with some of the past masters to start with — have you thought about giving them a ring instead of emailing them? I’d prefer the more personal touch, but it is, of course, your call. As it were.
Generally, I’d say talk with the person after the event and explain what you thought was in poor taste. We all find different things tasteless – I didn’t find this one objectionable personally; in fact I’d probably have chuckled.
Offensiveness doesn’t necessarily result from the content of the joke, as much as the attitude of the teller. If he intended it be anti-gay, then it’s worth raising with him. If he’s not homophobic, but just found the humor in the play on words, then that is quite different. You probably know this person well, and would be able to judge the difference.
With homophobic organizations, you have two choices; leave and complain about it loudly to others, or stay and effect change from within. The Masons are not going to change through any outward pressure, so the more people inside the organization that can work on changing negative attitudes, the better.
I was walking back from lunch one day with several work colleagues. We were joking around, when one of them told an extremely homophobic joke. The others laughed, and I stopped walking and said “As a gay man, I find that very objectionable”. None of the three knew I was gay, although I’ve never been actually closetted at work; it just hadn’t come up before. The joke teller continued to laugh thinking I was kidding; after a few moments, they all became serious and apologized. I told them this: “I don’t expect to change how you think about gay men, but I don’t have to listen to it in the workplace”. We remained cordial, and I never heard anything similar from them again. I daresay that out of my earshot, they continued with those jokes. The point is – we can change outward behavior by standing up for what is right. Changing hearts and minds takes generations.
I’ll get off my soapbox now!