Archive for April, 2011

From Twitter 04-29-2011

Saturday, April 30th, 2011

  • 00:36:35: Well, tweeps & peeps, off to bed now. I’ll bet Wills and Kate are having trouble sleeping…
  • 18:04:22: RT @eddyPham: did everyone/anyone watch the wedding < < Yup, the whole thing, limousine to last kiss.
  • 23:50:57: RT @RichTheTiger: XXL or Megawoof? Votes please? < < Megawoof. Daz is a great guy and you'll love the music.
  • 23:51:40: @RichTheTiger Oops. Late night finger. MegawooF
  • 23:57:52: Well, all, good night. Calm down, dears, and have fun. See you tomorrow.

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From Twitter 04-28-2011

Friday, April 29th, 2011

  • 21:31:25: Good evening, all. Had the plumber in today and that fouled up the whole day…
  • 21:32:34: RT @corvedacosta: Are you planning on having tea while you watch the wedding?< < Well, G and T...
  • 22:21:59: RT @gazedd: Sorry 4 William on his bachelor night, must feel weird stuffing

Not the Poet Laureate

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

I have been trying to write a higgledy-piggledy about the Royal Wedding ever since I realised that “Catherine Middleton” is a double-dactyl.

Catherine Middleton
Commoner-born, will be
Dutchess, then Queen.

Wedding Day streets feature
Hoi polloi cheer and Re-
publicans keen.

From Twitter 04-27-2011

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

  • 17:12:53: @MartinFaulks The husband of the owner of Atlantis bookshop is a Lodge brother of mine in Goliath.
  • 22:08:35: Weed puts a lump on my head, not in my throat… RT DentonPolice: 04/27/2011 13:40 | 26 yo | POSS MARIJ < 2OZ
  • 22:10:45: A cutie… RT DentonPolice: 04/27/2011 02:43:06 | 22 years old | POSS MARIJ >2OZ< =4OZ
  • 22:13:00: Britney’s the name, drag’s the game… RT DentonPolice: 04/26/2011 12:24 | 26 yo| FOLLOWING TOO CLOSE
  • 22:15:54: Speeding from the Twilight Zone… RT DentonPolice: 04/26/2011 00:17 | 22 yo | SPEEDING 43/30 MPH ZONE |
  • 22:17:09: Cute as a brick u-know-what… RT DentonPolice: 04/26/2011 00:01 | 17 yo | DL NO DRIVERS LICENSE
  • 22:20:57: RT @jjjap: I wonder what kind of backlash an Asian person will get if he/she decides to run for the White House in the future. #smh <a bad 1
  • 22:22:17: @_sshawnn_ They are probably treated as adults for legal purposes after they are arrested…it’s Texas, you know.]#
  • 22:38:34: RT @MrNishKumar: How old are those Michael Winner adverts? Cameron may as well have stood at the despatch box shouting ‘Waaaassssuuuuupppp’.

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More F*ckwittery in the United States

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

In preparation for the Presidential election next year, President Obama has finally gotten the State of Hawaii to release his original birth certificate. This is not usually done, but a group of f*ckwits called “birthers” have been doubting the facts of the President’s birthplace since he first ran for election. They said that he must have been born in Kenya (where his father hailed from), or in Indonesia (where he spent a few of his primary-school years). He just couldn’t have been born in the United States.

Now, of course, the birthers are saying that the fact that his father was not an American citizen makes it problematic that Obama is qualified to be president. The definition of “natural-born citizen” has never been decided by the Supreme Court, but the general idea is that anyone who is born in the territory of the United States is a natural-born citizen. Obama was born in the territory of the United States. Thus he is a natural-born citizen. There are questions as to whether people born outside the territory of the United States to at least one US citizen parent are “natural-born citizens”, but this has never come before the Supreme Court as all mainstream presidential candidates have been born in the United States or its territories. Barry Goldwater was born in Arizona when it was a territory, but I am fairly certain that had he been elected he would have been considered a “natural-born citizen”. John McCain was born in the Panamá Canal Zone before it was handed back to Panamá; his parents were both US citizens. Had McCain been elected, I don’t believe that any “birthers” would have come out of the woodwork to challenge McCain’s eligibility for the Presidency.

Let’s just call this what it is: racism, pure and simple. President Obama would not have been challenged in this way had he been of pure white ancestry. To continue this silliness after the documentary proof of his birth in Hawaii has been released is just a symptom of f*ckwittery.

Today’s Lesson URL

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Every once in a while we see someone we’d rather not interact with, for whatever reason. My friend Joel once had an encounter like that, and learned a lesson therefrom.

From Twitter 04-26-2011

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
  • 18:55:38: Good afternoon, all. Decided to start looking for work again.
  • 23:11:54: Made my mom’s stuffing tonight. HWMBO loved it lots more than Paxo, thank God. Time for bed; play safe, be good, and be careful!

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From Twitter 04-25-2011

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

Today’s Easter Monday URL

Monday, April 25th, 2011

I hope that you all had a great Easter day. I can guarantee that will enjoy seeing some others enjoying their exercises over Easter.

From Twitter 04-24-2011

Monday, April 25th, 2011

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From Twitter 04-21-2011

Friday, April 22nd, 2011

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From Twitter 04-20-2011

Thursday, April 21st, 2011
  • 21:01:30: Cast my postal vote (=US “absentee ballot”) in favour of AV today.

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From Twitter 04-19-2011

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011
  • 08:35:42: Morning, all. Evan Davis on @BBCr4today just did an excellent interview with the Prime Minister.
  • 18:10:59: Off to Lodge of Instruction. Getting close to May…and I’m a bit nervous. Hope to be OK on the night.
  • 18:59:41: RT @jonk BP 135/73; pulse 74; weight 139.9 (lost a couple?) &lt;&lt; Good for you!
  • 19:06:19: @jonk Remember not to drink grapefruit juice while taking statins. It interferes with thwm.
  • 23:57:12: @jonk I’ve been taking statins for 6 years and haven’t had any problems so far.Luckily I dislike grapefruit juice.
  • 23:57:53: Well, tweeps & peeps, time for bed. Play safe, lay off the grapefruit juice, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

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From Twitter 04-18-2011

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

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Today’s Luvvies Story

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

Taken from the Grauniad:

Dame Judy Dench’s eyesight isn’t what it once was, but she’s as feisty as ever. She accidentally stepped off a curb a while back right into the path of an oncoming taxi. The cab screamed to a halt and the driver rolled down his window and shouted, “Bitch!” She looked at him and shouted back, “That’s DAME Bitch to you!”

From Twitter 04-16-2011

Sunday, April 17th, 2011
  • 15:31:19: Back from Diabetes UK focus group day. Very interesting and informative. Kudos to 87-y-o Irene, who manages diabetes very well indeed!
  • 22:58:33: Well, tweeps & peeps, sack-time. Have fun, play safe, and cya tomorrow.

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From Twitter 04-15-2011

Saturday, April 16th, 2011

A TED talk worth 20 minutes of your time

Friday, April 15th, 2011

Almost all TED talks are worth your time, but this one is especially good. It’s Roger Ebert, his wife, and some friends delivering Roger’s thoughts on communication through the unique prism of his inability to speak.

If you don’t follow Roger’s blog, you’re missing out on a really good reading experience. He shows that modern computing and communications have opened up an entirely new vista for people who would have been isolated only a few short years ago.

From Twitter 04-14-2011

Friday, April 15th, 2011
  • 20:03:32: Billy Ray was driving while black RT DentonPolice: 04/14/2011 13:54 | 27 yo | DL NO DRIVERS LICENS
  • 20:04:54: Brent’s rough … RT DentonPolice: 04/14/2011 12:15 | 24 yo | ASSLT CAUSES BODILY INJURY FAMILY
  • 20:06:04: Lovely eyes… RT DentonPolice: 04/14/2011 01:50 | 24 yo | SPEED-I35/SPEEDING 68 IN A 55 MILE PER HOUR ZONE | VPTA
  • 20:07:22: Ernest’s a bit of all right… RT DentonPolice: 04/14/2011 04:05:| 23 yo | ALCOHOL PUBLIC INTOX
  • 20:08:20: Jabba the Hutt’s an addict? Who knew? RT DentonPolice: 04/13/2011 23:49 | 29 yo | POSS OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA
  • 21:07:02: Mikael for you otter-lovers… RT DentonPolice: 04/14/2011 14:05 | 31 yo | FAIL TO MAINTAIN FIN
  • 21:13:00: RT @GeorgeTakei: Kobe’s “F*cking f*ggot” slur not “meant to offend.” In related news U.S. sorry, fined for internment. #ThatsMrF*ckingF*ggot
  • 22:08:31: Surreal story of the day: Zsa Zsa to become mother again at 94, husband says. Surrogate mom, of course.
  • 22:26:51: RT @jonk: every time i see Covent Garden i keep wanting to say Convent Garden &lt; Was orig. a convent garden of Westminster Abbey, so ur right
  • 23:29:17: RT @jonk: @chrishansenhome ha nice. well, it sounds better as convent, imho 😛 &lt;&lt; The convent’s been gone for centuries.
  • 23:45:42: OK, tweeps & peeps, time for bed. Be good, and if you can’t be good, be careful.

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I pasted my latest sermon into this app…

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

…and I got this:

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

I guess I should call myself the Rev’d Cthulhu.

Another joke from MadPriest

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

I must say that the breadth of Fr. MadPriest’s acquaintance with jokes of this nature is quite surprising.

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes it is.”

Boy- “I have a baseball.”

Man- “That’s nice.”

Boy- “Want to buy it?”

Man- “No, thanks.”

Boy- “My dad’s outside.”

Man- “OK, how much?”

Boy- “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy- “Dark in here.”

Man- “Yes, it is.”

Boy- “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy- “$750.”

Man- “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says “$1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again”

Today’s Joke

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Don’t blame me, blame MadPriest.

Why I Am now Divorced

Last Thursday was my birthday. After getting out of bed I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday’’ and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought … Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids … they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, ‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there…

…On the couch…


From Twitter 04-12-2011

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011
  • 23:21:32: Good night, tweeps & peeps. Have just discovered my mom’s recipe for stuffing! Hurray! It’s Acadian.

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From Twitter 04-11-2011

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011
  • 09:31:21: Off to a meeting at the diocese.
  • 20:01:12: A priest friend told me today that someone collapsed in the congregation yesterday while she was preaching on Lazarus. Kiss-of-life required
  • 20:30:30: @GaySkyHooker Hooray!
  • 20:46:02: @jonk Mio sounds good; I wonder if it’ll ever cross the Atlantic…
  • 20:48:53: Going upstairs to nap before bed.
  • 22:06:59: RT @dgupta5150: What language is this? &lt;&lt; it’s Thai.
  • 22:23:15: I ate pizza, and then napped until my honey came home. “Coq au vin leftovers?” I asked. He ate them. That’s love.

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From Twitter 04-10-2011

Monday, April 11th, 2011
  • 00:01:54: Well, tweeps & peeps, the coq au vin was lovely tonight (if I do say so myself) so it’s time to hit the hay. C u all tomorrow!
  • 07:22:49: @Perignonic Good. Hope it heals soon.
  • 23:07:48: Well, tweeps & peeps,. it’s 11:06pm and as WPIX used to ask, “Do you know where your children are?” “Sure, don’t have any!” Play safe now!

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From Twitter 04-09-2011

Sunday, April 10th, 2011
  • 10:48:28: Next time I get a scam phone call about Windows I’m going to ask the nice guy on the phone how big his penis is and whether he’s cut or not.
  • 11:48:25: Asking who is the ‘man’ and the ‘woman’ in a gay relationship is like going into a Chinese restaurant & asking which chopstick is the fork.
  • 12:41:13: @soveren sorry, hope that everything works out…
  • 12:47:08: @soveren Work can be a bitch…I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
  • 20:35:36: Cooking coq au vin…nothing’s too good for HWMBO!
  • 20:37:12: @Perignonic use an antiseptic, dress it & don’t wear slippers/sandals outside.
  • 20:51:58: @GaySkyHooker great! The road to happiness is paved with w*nking.

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Today’s SPAM&trade; Email

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

Permanent Mission of ENGLAND to the United Nations
351 East 52nd Street, New York, NY 10022

Our Ref: UN/TH/066147/2011
Attention Beneficiary,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for the past 3 months which ended yesterday with the secretary to the UNITED NATIONS. This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATIONS has agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$900,000.00 each and you have to indicate how much you lost in the hands of scammers.

This includes every foreign contractors, Inheritance, Dating and Lottery payment that have not received their Lottery/Inheritance payment, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international Lottery payment that failed due to Government problems etc. We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed upon and have been signed.

You are advised to contact Mr John Paul who is in charge of your payment through our paying center in West Africa as he is our representative in Lagos-Nigeria, contact him immediately for more information on how to get your compensation of US$900,000.00 payment from the United Nations.

Therefore, you should send him your full Name,telephone number and your correct home address, Contact Mr John Paul immediately for your compensation payments.

Person to Contact: John Paul

Thanks and God bless you and your family. Hoping to hear from you as soon as you receive your compensation funds don’t neglect this I advice you.

United Nations, Making the world a better place.

Ban Ki-Moon

Dear Mr. Ban:

Thanks for your notification. As I am fairly well provisioned, I do not need any additional money. I ask that you contribute it to UNICEF and really make the world a better place.


Chris Hansen

From Twitter 04-08-2011

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

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From Twitter 04-07-2011

Friday, April 8th, 2011
  • 17:15:17: @MartinFaulks I would think that “W. Master will do unless there is some need to specify that he’s WM of a Mark Lodge.
  • 17:16:58: Elephant and Castle Shopping Centre To Stay? | Londonist via @londonist
  • 17:38:21: @Peston Epsilon, a commercial email sender for business, had a security breach and many companies’ data were compromised.

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Today’s Honeymoon URL

Thursday, April 7th, 2011

A Swedish couple, newly-married, decided to take their honeymoon partly in the Antipodes, with a swing through Asia before returning to Sweden. They did not count on Mother Nature to make their honeymoon more interesting than it might otherwise have been.

From Twitter 04-06-2011

Thursday, April 7th, 2011
  • 18:49:44: I am so annoyed with and DHL, who managed to screw up a routine delivery for an entire week.
  • 19:15:01: Had my PICC line unblocked today; just took 3-1/2 hours at the quacks’ to get it done.
  • 22:13:17: Time to hit the hay. We’ll see tomorrow whether clearing the PICC line worked. Sleep tight, all.

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From Twitter 04-05-2011

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

  • 17:41:38: Off to Lodge of Instruction tonight…rehearsing a Second degree as well as appointment of officers.
  • 23:25:05: Well, tweeps & peeps, time for bed. Off to the quacks tomorrow to see if they can clear my PICC line. Sleep tight, possums!

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From Twitter 04-04-2011

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011
  • 19:38:49: The dog found floating in the ocean after the Japanese tsunami has been reunited with his owner.
  • 19:47:19: RT @jonk: (i don’t rewear jeans unless absolutely nec.) &lt;&lt; I could see that if you went commando…
  • 19:59:37: Jedward’s long-lost triplet? RT DentonPolice: 04/04/2011 12:15 | 21 yo | ALCHOL MISREPRESENTATION OF AGE BY MINOR
  • 20:49:32: RT @soveren: @maleaddict coz u miss us &lt;&lt; And we miss you!
  • 23:35:17: Nighty nite, tweeps & peeps! Sleep well.

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From Twitter 04-03-2011

Monday, April 4th, 2011
  • 21:40:09: RT @IndividualCars: Only 846 followers to go and we are giving away 2 pairs of Beats Headphones by Dr Dre. RT for the chance to win
  • 22:03:31: Well, tweeps & peeps, another week ends. I’m very tired so the land of Nod is where I’m going. Sweet dreams, all. Be good. Play safe, too!

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From Twitter 04-02-2011

Sunday, April 3rd, 2011
  • 01:57:15: Night, all. Nice evening with friends at Shepherd’s Bush. Back late after two dust-ups on the 148 bus.

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From Twitter 04-01-2011

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

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From Twitter 03-31-2011

Friday, April 1st, 2011

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