Chris Hansen’s blog

I am certain that I will wake up screaming tonight, thinking of this video.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• 13:43:50: Good afternoon, all! Hope you all had a good weekend. Congrats to Aljunied GRC, Hougang SMC, and Singapore.
• 22:58:54: RT @MartinFaulks: Boxing , boxing and more boxing < < I thought Boxing Day was in December. Who knew?
• 23:04:28: Kevin’s cute… RT DentonPolice: 05/09/2011 16:19 | 24 yo | TDCJ/PAROLE VIOLATION http://twitpic.com/4vmx6n
• 23:05:54: Kenny’s jug handles are like the Prince of Wales’… DentonPolice: 05/09/2011 15:40 | 31 yo | FMFR | NO DRIVERS LI http://twitpic.com/4vmx68

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The Beatles had an iconic album cover toward the end of their career—they were all crossing the zebra crossing at Abbey Road in front of the studios where they recorded most of their music. Tourists (including my own brother) go to Abbey Road and have their pictures taken crossing at that spot. Well, even if you’ve never been to London you too can now watch tourists congregating on either side of the road, then crossing in groups of four, stopping the traffic while they have pictures taken. For there is now a webcam trained on that zebra crossing. Thanks to Ron’s Log for the tipoff.

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Brandon is a soccer player at Adelphi University. He’s gay. He wrote his coming-out story for Outsports; I didn’t finish reading it with dry eyes and I hope you won’t either.

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I remember, back in 1978, a friend telling me that, on the morning that Pope John Paul I died, he awoke to see the Pope’s body on a bier on TV and his first thought was, “Why are they rerunning Pope Paul’s funeral?”

Waking up to breaking news is always jolting. So, when the alarm went off at 6:57am and the BBC Radio4 Today program announced the news that Osama bin Laden was dead, killed by an American military action in Pakistan, I was duly jolted.

Just as we will all remember where we were and what we were doing on September 11th, 2001, I think that we will remember today as the day on which the battle against al Qaida entered a new chapter.

I am, of course, happy that bin Laden is now beyond causing any harm on his own account to anyone in the world. My religious beliefs hold that bin Laden is now being judged by a higher authority than any earthly tribunal. But what will now follow from his death?

First, I believe that Western relations with Pakistan, especially US relations, will be deeply affected by this action. While that was inevitable in an operation of this kind, the support of Pakistan for the war in Afghanistan is absolutely necessary and this incursion will, inevitably, embarrass the Pakistanis and that loss of face will make it difficult for the Pakistani government to continue supporting the armed forces in Afghanistan. However, there will be enormous private relief in the government of Pakistan that bin Laden is no longer resident there and that this thorn in their side is now removed. Publicly they will not be able to express that relief, and they may try to rattle a few sabres in America’s direction, but they will not carry it to any great extent. A TV pundit has just said on BBC news that he believes that the Pakistani government was informed of the operation beforehand. but I think that if it had been informed, there would have been the danger that bin Laden would have been warned by people in the government that the operation was pending and would have moved elsewhere.

Second, it is clear now that al Qaida was no longer under any but nominal command and control from bin Laden. His compound lacked telephone and internet connections to the outside world. Messages may have been passed between him and al Qaida operatives but any minute-by-minute control of terrorist activity would have been impossible. Bin Laden must have been living in seclusion, in fear for his life, and spending each day worrying about his future. Good, I say. His last moments must have been filled with the same terror that he inflicted on others and that is some small recompense for those who suffered and died through his actions.

Third, President Obama should rise in the esteem of the American people through this. The last few days have seen coverage of Obama’s appearance at the Washington press corps’ dinner and “roast”, where his speech was funny, pointed, and effective. How much more we can admire his performance, as he must have known that this operation was about to take place. Only someone with certain knowledge of the future would have been free of doubt, worry, and apprehension lest the operation fail. Yet the President was cool, calm, collected, and able to deliver a speech full of humour without disclosing any inner worry. Had this operation ended in failure, Obama might have been destined to share the fate of President Carter, who authorised the incursion into Iran to try to rescue the US embassy hostages and then had to carry the blame for its result.

This will pose a dilemma for the Republicans. They will not be able to oppose the President effectively for quite a while. They will emphasize (rightly) the bravery of the soldiers who carried out the operation, while minimising the involvement of the President. As the 2012 election approaches, the American people will remember that President Obama authorised and motivated this operation and, I hope, will return him for a second term. The President must, however, not rely on this one operation to re-elect him. He must continue on the course he has charted.

Finally, bin Laden’s death will inspire plots from isolated terrorists to in some way revenge themselves on those who are responsible for bin Laden’s death. This will mean increased security around transport hubs and especially around airports. To my knowledge, no organisations that might be expected to be dismayed by bin Laden’s death have made any public statements. Perhaps they won’t. But privately, some people may feel that this event gives them license to avenge bin Laden’s death and this should give us pause, for the causes of terrorism do not lie in one man’s mania. Those causes are many and deep, and the solution does not lie in killing one man, however evil he might be. We need to redouble our efforts to understand the causes of terrorism in order to remedy them and remove at least this particular scourge from our lives.

• 19:03:50: RT @antoinedodson24: Why was I not invited to the Royal Wedding!!!!??? < < We would have loved to have hosted you here in London...
• 20:33:56: @BubblePOPPA Thanks for posting all the stuff you post. If anyone #unfollow s you it’s their loss.
• 20:43:18: RT @BubblePOPPA: #GroupHugsWithGropes Can I get involved with that?

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I did something today that I have never done before. I recycled a sermon I preached in 1996 on the same texts as today. Mitigating circumstances are:

• It was delivered 15 years ago.
• It was delivered to a different congregation.

Nearly every year the Vicar at St. John’s takes Low Sunday off and asks me to preach. Every year the Gospel is John 20:19-31—Doubting Thomas. Even before I started preaching at St. John’s, I preached on Doubting Thomas. In fact, I believe the first sermon I ever preached, at Integrity/New York in the early 1990’s, was on this Gospel text.

The first couple of times one preaches on a certain text, it’s fairly easy to get some inspiration. Once you’ve preached on it 10 times or more, it starts to get difficult to have that inspired moment. I had trouble yesterday; I wrote about 1-1/2 pages, and stopped. Then I looked through my old sermons and, abracadabra!

Please forgive me. If any other of you are preachers, tell me: do you recycle sermons occasionally?

For those who aren’t interested, I’ll put it behind a cut.
Read the rest of this entry »

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• 00:36:35: Well, tweeps & peeps, off to bed now. I’ll bet Wills and Kate are having trouble sleeping…
• 18:04:22: RT @eddyPham: did everyone/anyone watch the wedding < < Yup, the whole thing, limousine to last kiss.
• 23:50:57: RT @RichTheTiger: XXL or Megawoof? Votes please? < < Megawoof. Daz is a great guy and you'll love the music.
• 23:51:40: @RichTheTiger Oops. Late night finger. MegawooF
• 23:57:52: Well, all, good night. Calm down, dears, and have fun. See you tomorrow.

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• 21:31:25: Good evening, all. Had the plumber in today and that fouled up the whole day…
• 21:32:34: RT @corvedacosta: Are you planning on having tea while you watch the wedding?< < Well, G and T...
• 22:21:59: RT @gazedd: Sorry 4 William on his bachelor night, must feel weird stuffing

I have been trying to write a higgledy-piggledy about the Royal Wedding ever since I realised that “Catherine Middleton” is a double-dactyl.

Higgledy-Piggledy
Catherine Middleton
Commoner-born, will be
Dutchess, then Queen.

Wedding Day streets feature
Impassibility;
Hoi polloi cheer and Re-
publicans keen.

• 17:12:53: @MartinFaulks The husband of the owner of Atlantis bookshop is a Lodge brother of mine in Goliath.
• 22:08:35: Weed puts a lump on my head, not in my throat… RT DentonPolice: 04/27/2011 13:40 | 26 yo | POSS MARIJ < 2OZ http://twitpic.com/4q9gdy
• 22:10:45: A cutie… RT DentonPolice: 04/27/2011 02:43:06 | 22 years old | POSS MARIJ >2OZ< =4OZ http://twitpic.com/4q1th1
• 22:13:00: Britney’s the name, drag’s the game… RT DentonPolice: 04/26/2011 12:24 | 26 yo| FOLLOWING TOO CLOSE http://twitpic.com/4q0kjw
• 22:15:54: Speeding from the Twilight Zone… RT DentonPolice: 04/26/2011 00:17 | 22 yo | SPEEDING 43/30 MPH ZONE | http://twitpic.com/4pnjdv
• 22:17:09: Cute as a brick u-know-what… RT DentonPolice: 04/26/2011 00:01 | 17 yo | DL NO DRIVERS LICENSE http://twitpic.com/4pmxbp
• 22:20:57: RT @jjjap: I wonder what kind of backlash an Asian person will get if he/she decides to run for the White House in the future. #smh <a bad 1
• 22:22:17: @_sshawnn_ They are probably treated as adults for legal purposes after they are arrested…it’s Texas, you know.]#
• 22:38:34: RT @MrNishKumar: How old are those Michael Winner adverts? Cameron may as well have stood at the despatch box shouting ‘Waaaassssuuuuupppp’.

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In preparation for the Presidential election next year, President Obama has finally gotten the State of Hawaii to release his original birth certificate. This is not usually done, but a group of f*ckwits called “birthers” have been doubting the facts of the President’s birthplace since he first ran for election. They said that he must have been born in Kenya (where his father hailed from), or in Indonesia (where he spent a few of his primary-school years). He just couldn’t have been born in the United States.

Now, of course, the birthers are saying that the fact that his father was not an American citizen makes it problematic that Obama is qualified to be president. The definition of “natural-born citizen” has never been decided by the Supreme Court, but the general idea is that anyone who is born in the territory of the United States is a natural-born citizen. Obama was born in the territory of the United States. Thus he is a natural-born citizen. There are questions as to whether people born outside the territory of the United States to at least one US citizen parent are “natural-born citizens”, but this has never come before the Supreme Court as all mainstream presidential candidates have been born in the United States or its territories. Barry Goldwater was born in Arizona when it was a territory, but I am fairly certain that had he been elected he would have been considered a “natural-born citizen”. John McCain was born in the Panamá Canal Zone before it was handed back to Panamá; his parents were both US citizens. Had McCain been elected, I don’t believe that any “birthers” would have come out of the woodwork to challenge McCain’s eligibility for the Presidency.

Let’s just call this what it is: racism, pure and simple. President Obama would not have been challenged in this way had he been of pure white ancestry. To continue this silliness after the documentary proof of his birth in Hawaii has been released is just a symptom of f*ckwittery.

Every once in a while we see someone we’d rather not interact with, for whatever reason. My friend Joel once had an encounter like that, and learned a lesson therefrom.

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